Courage- The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes (changes) with self possession, confidence and resolution; bravery.
Since I can remember this word was always being used when speaking to me. Complete strangers would come up to me and encourage me with kind words on how brave I was and that they admired my courage for choosing to be bald. I would graciously take their encouragement and over the years I've grown accustomed to being approached. But through all the words and personal stories told I would walk away every time not fully convinced in what they saw in me.
At the age of 2 from the story that was share with me, my older cousin was combing my hair to only be horrified by my screams of bloody murder when she comb a chunk of it out of my head. And that began my journey, my parents watch as their baby girl's hair went from a full curly afro to patches to then complete baldness. This was in the early 90's so initially my mom was looked at to have done something wrong to my hair to cause the loss. After doctor visits it was confirmed that I actual had a condition called Alopecia. In Tulsa, OK it wasn't that common nor was there many people with it so there wasn't much help or knowledge offered to my parents or a support group for me . All that was suggested was either treatments or wigs and hopefully my hair would return one day.
So we attempted wigs which lasted about as long as the spelling of wigs. I was 4 or 5 at this time and it was becoming more noticeable to my peers that I wasn't the same as them. And it was actually worse to show up one day with no hair and the next draping with a full head of it. Kids are curious and they are not fools so this raised questions and brought more stares than being bald. And to top it all off I was uncomfortable, hot, and itchy. It was too much to bare. The last day I wore a wig I, as a 4 year old stubbornly made the decision purely for comfort.
You see, I was too young to fully understand that my one selfish moment would set the foundation of who I am today. From that decision I spent my childhood being scrutinized and made a victim. I didn't step back into my elementary school until I was 25 because of all the memories it holds. Its hard to defend yourself when you have no idea fully why you are like this. So all you can do is hope that one day someone will accept you. That they will see you as normal and not having hair wouldnt matter. And eventually over time it did come.
As I continue growing I became more accepted. I was making friends and actually felt comfortable enough where I could let my personality shine. Over time I realize the more I played it cool and acted normal those around me wouldn't realize or it didn't matter to them. Yes jokes were still made from time to time but I learned to not be phased and eventually I was left in peace. I thrived from this so much that over years I began downplaying my Alopecia. I developed an nonchalant attitude and would be very vague with discussing my story or any details. In my mind I thought if I kept everyone focused on my other qualities and remain lighthearted about my baldness you would disregard the big picture. As I write this now I'm anxious with what I am openly displaying to everyone. I realize that completer strangers will read this at the same time some of my own friends will just be hearing my story truthfully for the first time.
So admitting my fears now how was what I was doing prior courage? I was walking around showing strength with my head high but never vocal about the days when my head was bowed because I was ashamed of my weakness. I didn't want to face those earlier days so I had to sacrifice my truth to continue with my imitation of courage. I wanted acceptance of the person I thought I truly was but was secretly still hoping to be. I didn't realize until I accepted my full truth the courage I wanted to receive and fully let shine would never come. And the voice that I wanted to use to encourage people would remain stifled. So It begins! My new journey to true courage and acceptance in hopes that I inspire those I encounter to begin theirs. Then we all will learn to exchange our ashes with faith we will gain beauty in return. Isaiah 61:3
